What Is OK Anyway?

It was R U OK day, and I am not okay.

My mental health is in a weird place. My depression and anxiety are in a better place than they used to be, because I’m in a stable, supportive living situation and I’m in treatment. My BPD is pretty decently managed. But 2020 is being 2020, and beyond what everyone is dealing with, my physical health stuff is doing a number on my mental health too.

The Engineer keeps saying he’s sure this is temporary, that I’ll improve. But I don’t know if I will. I spent maybe six hours out of bed today, not even doing anything strenuous, just sitting at my computer and going out to the balcony freezer, and I still feel physically wrecked. My head is killing me. Standing up for three minutes and walking from the kitchen to my desk had my heart thundering, despite recent cardiac tests looking pretty good. I’m actively afraid to leave the house right now because of how physically weak I am.

I have an appointment with my endocrinologist in October. Until then, I just gave to try to deal with this, and it’s hard. And a part of me is convinced, with a fair bit of evidence,that people who see me struggling when I’m out just see a fat woman who’s struggling because she’s fat and therefore only has herself to blame, even though I know it’s more complex than that.

I feel like my life has shrunk. I feel like I’m letting people down.

So I’m not okay. But I probably will be. I’ve handled worse than this. It’s just… hard, and I need patience, from myself and from the people around me. I’m trying my best.